I know exactly the thought that is going on through that pretty head of yours right now. It is some thing on the lines of “How on earth can this average looking Lahori lad even begin to fathom as to what goes on in the mind of such a complex woman like myself?” For starters, I could of course prove you completely wrong since it doesn’t take that much scratching beneath the surface to uncover your oh so deep and intricate thinking process: the never ending yearning for those designer slingbacks, the dangers and after effects of that sumptuous cheese cake, that unmatchable feeling of bliss and serenity after the weekly manicures and pedicures. I know I might be wrong, or even right – but frankly dear, I don’t give a damn.

I got you thinking as to why am I being such a pompous male chauvinist haven’t I now? Well to set the record straight, I say what I say not because I’m a hardliner who doesn’t care what people think and neither because I do not value your opinion. It is simply because as free and independent women of this civilization, you have the right to think what ever you want. And if that is so, then why aren’t we men allowed to delve in to our thoughts without you turning six varying shades of red or purple with your perpetual inquisitions and an equally dramatic passion for hyper ventilation? “Tell me now… Tell me now what you are thinking! Right now!” You are cracking a whip in our faces, demanding, no wait, shrieking actually for an answer while we’re running around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to think of a suitable and satisfying answer to your demand. “I was like err you know, just wondering how good your hair look open like that.”

Liar! Convicted! Damned!

Believe you me missy, you do not want to know the truth. Go on. Take a shot at guessing. Cricket? Any man that sits around fantasizing about 11 odd men sweating and playing hard with their balls has no friends! Sex? That is undeniable and yes it is, at times, at the back of our minds, but hey, it is at the back of yours too and not all of us sit around having desperate, wild and imaginative cravings. It is a private matter between us and the glossy Cosmo lingerie section. Fact of the matter is that unlike you all, guys just do not sit around thinking about things that they would or could do at that moment. That is precisely the reason why us lads do not make lists or come out with useless requests like, “Honey, can you remind me to buy those shoes tomorrow? I saw them at the store last week and they might run out of them soon.”

So then, coming back to the issue at hand, what actually does go around in the mind of a man? Before I cut to the chase and reveal the truth, once and for all, let me ask you one simple question: Why do you want to know in the first place? No don’t bother answering that – I’m sorry I can’t seem to hear you too well. Even if by some miracle you are strongly convinced that you have this completely weird ESP thing going on with you (Oh look, I’ve lost count of the number of women who have dazzled me with their sixth sense). My extensive and exhaustive research in getting inside a woman’s mind has sadly left me some insights that are fascinatingly dull. You want us to voice out our mind because the silence is unbearable for you, or you’re insecure about that seemingly ephemeral stare in our eyes as you search for the signs of Action Myoclonus Renal Failure syndrome, or you are vying for us to give away some valuable information about ourselves in this moment of weakness that can be exploited later on in the form of an emotional nuke.

Mostly though, you are begging us to spill out what is going on inside our heads in the hope that we just might have some thing profound and interesting to say, because there is obviously nothing of note going on in yours. Or, more worrisome for us, there is something brewing up – and you’re on a campaign to reveal all, and that too in a painfully blow by blow detail about how your so called friend, right, she only goes to get a make over at the same salon as you are planning to go to, but only a week before you. Oh how dare she? That evil no good woman! Can’t you just see we do not want to know? Isn’t the fact that our sincere endeavor to not share our inane thoughts with you a blazing signal that you don’t have to speak so we can, for once, watch a show, listen to a song, or read that magazine in peace?

So what is on our minds?

It is definitely not what you think. And for those of you who wish you were, or think you are, too good a mind reader, let me warn you that one peek inside the sinister darkness of a man’s mind and you will instantly turn insane. Unlike you, we don’t like to think with mere words. At least not in the ways you do.

Sure we tell our bosses to get a life in the privacy of the rest rooms or have those innocent locker room quips – but most of the time we just act upon what we feel. Hungry? Must put some chicken in ourselves. Horny? Must look at a hot babe across the street. These are not detailed instructions of course. Unlike your kind, who analyze every minute aspect of any given situation, thinking about what other people would or might already be thinking, until you turn in to a Mount Everest of paranoia! We don’t worry about things like that and we don’t really need to! Yes, we do fantasize about things that are not real, and you have a knack of worrying about things that are. But you don’t have to be concerned any more – I will now, on behalf of all gents, reveal exactly what is on our minds, perpetually; from the moment we wake up from our slumber to the second we are snoring again.

Ready?

We’re only thinking how much we love you!

No really, honesty!!